


I will not kiss you

by Manateequeem



Category: Gintama
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Poor Katsura, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rejection, i guess?, poor gintoki
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-09
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-10-01 16:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10193741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Manateequeem/pseuds/Manateequeem
Summary: Gintoki knew. He knew that Zura felt the exact same way about him that he felt towards the long haired man. He knew all that time. He just knew that if he were to confess to Zura, Zura would just laugh it off, like he always does, and claim that it was a funny joke. He knew that Zura couldn’t be with him because society would look down upon these two men innocently in love, and Zura had the Jouishishi to lead.





	

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from the song Cancer by My Chemical Romance.
> 
> This is kind of sad, but this is the nature of ginzura.  
> Also this is my first fic in the fandom and I wanted to write one for ages now so aaa

“Oi oi, Zura! You can’t just climb in through windows like that! That ain’t normal, go get that wig of yours checked, because I’m not paying for one more broken window! The kids draw enough money out of me as it is!”

  
“Gintoki, don’t worry, I’ll have Elizabeth work on the windows during the night.”

  
Outside in the wild streets of the Kabukicho, Elizabeth could be found holding a sign saying: **‘Like hell I will.’**

  
“You can walk in through the door ya know, the Shinsengumi couldn’t give two shits about a terrorist like you.”

  
“I wouldn’t call myself a terrorist,” the long haired many corrected, “I’m the nation’s only hope!”

  
Katsura walked up to Gintoki and sat next to him, but with so much more grace than the silver haired beast. He was always more elegant, but at the same time was so dense.  
Gintoki moved over to the left a bit.

  
“Why d'you have to sit so close, Zura?”

  
Katsura didn’t look hurt like he might have in the days of the war, he simply responded with his usual line.

  
“It’s not Zura, it's Katsura.”

  
“Yeah, yeah. You're Zura, whatever, we get it.”

  
“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura.”

  
Gintoki looked at the man sitting beside him. He had long raven hair, a dark yukata, and as usual, since their Sensei left them, a frown upon his brow. His old peaceful face had changed into a more sullen one, weighed down by the rest of the world.

  
“It’s not Zura, it’s Katsura.”

  
“I didn’t say you weren’t.”

  
There was no reply for a few minutes. Just the subtle snoring of Kagura in her bedroom (cupboard) and the cars from the capital (prison). Everything felt so condemned to Gintoki. He could understand the man next to him, and yet the same time he couldn’t.

  
“I don’t want to be Katsura anymore.”

  
“You can go back to being Zura then.”

  
Katsura laughed, for Gintoki knew it would never be so easy for Katsura to forget all of the people he killed, all of his failures, all of his lost attempts at being with Gintoki.

  
Because it wouldn’t be allowed.

  
Would they be cast out, if they opened up to eachother? Would the other even accept?   
Gintoki knew. He knew that Zura felt the exact same way about him that he felt towards the long haired man. He knew all that time. He just knew that if he were to confess to Zura, Zura would just laugh it off, like he always does, and claim that it was a funny joke. He knew that Zura couldn’t be with him because society would look down upon these two men innocently in love, and Zura had the Jouishishi to lead.

  
Neither of the two men said anything again, until Gintoki abruptly broke the silence. He grabbed Katsura's wrist and dragged him off of the sofa which they sat on.

  
“Gintoki, what's going on?”

  
“Let’s go watch the fireworks, they start in 5. Come on.”

  
Gintoki pulled on the slightly shorter males wrist again.

  
“But what about Leader?”

  
Gintoki deadpanned the man in front of him.

  
“Are you really asking about that beast? She could destroy anyone that walked in like she did to my strawberry milk,” he gestured at a crushed pink carton on the floor “I think you should be worrying about Gin-san's sanity more than her, ‘cause I want to see some fireworks, and you’re coming.”

  
Katsura didn’t say anything and followed the silver haired male wordlessly. Gintoki was still holding his wrist. Katsura pulled his wrist back and Gintoki said nothing.

  
“I didn’t hear about these fireworks.”

  
“That’s because there aren’t any.”

  
“Wh-“

  
“We’ll just make some, it can’t be that hard, with you being a terrorist ‘n’ all, making those bombs, eh Zura?”

  
“I’m not Zura or a terrorist.”

  
It was quiet.

  
Gintoki turned around, frowning.

  
“Then what are you? A wig?”

  
“I don’t know.”

  
Why did it hurt him so much, to not be able to open up to the man in front of him, to see him so upset and confused and yet not be able to do anything about it. He couldn’t love him, at least not in public when everyone around them wouldn’t find it normal, and Katsura knew that. So why did he make it so difficult for Gintoki and him to just be friends again, like they were before the war, the Takasugi. Maybe if Takasugi never left they would be. But Gintoki doubted that. He felt like Katsura and him would always end up like this, no matter what they did differently.

  
“You are Zura.”

  
“Hm, if you say so.”

  
The two continued walking down the crowded streets, passing a stall from time to time and just stopping there to look at the wares but then leaving because they both knew they didn’t have the money for it.

  
Their hands were always so close and yet so far, they wouldn’t touch eachother. No,not in public, or even at home because they didn’t want these feelings to become something more and be found out.

  
It was nearing 10pm when Zura decided to leave.

  
“Gintoki.”

  
Gintoki turned around again for the second time that night, this time holding a swab of candyfloss with a smile adorning his face.

  
“Hm?”

  
“I-I should be leaving.”

  
“Oh, why?”

  
“The Jouishishi and Elizabeth, they need me."

  
“And I need you, they can deal, come on.”

  
Gintoki went for Katsura's hand again, to which the latter stepped back, pulling his hands to his chest.

  
Gintoki too stepped back as Katsura started to cry.

  
“Oh-oh shit Zura, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for you to cry, you can go home if you want, I mean maybe they can’t dea-“

  
“No, it isn’t that! It’s just that I want to love you so much, and I know you do too, it’s just that I can’t! And you keep getting closer to me, and you know I’ll have to break it off, because I don’t want both of us to be frowned upon even more for something which is completely normal! This is what is wrong with society, this is why we need a change!”

  
“I’ll wait. I’ll wait for you to make that change, and then I’ll take you back were you belong. Then I’ll kiss you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, please give some feedback!
> 
> Also, I apologise for the angst, next ginzura I write will probably be something more humourous. :))


End file.
